On the Toilet

Have you ever heard the term ". . . like sic-um to a bull dog?" It means you were warned but just couldn't resist. For instance, a friend of mine told me about a video on the internet that was absolutely disgusting and literally made people sick to their stomachs. He told me where to find this video with the disclaimer, "Don't watch it man. It is just too disgusting!" That was him telling sick-em to a bulldog. When someone tells me not to or warns me about something, it makes me want it all the more. This is my particular genius. Of course, I couldn't wait to watch it, and I did. Yes I became sick. Yes I regret watching it. I felt like someone had physically assaulted me. Not because of how gross the video was but because all I could think of was how wounded the people in the video are. What they were doing in the video was indescribable and no sane, healthy individual could have performed those acts. I believe the people in the video were, insane or possessed by something evil and forced. That is what I honestly believe.

I have seen and read other things that hurt me even more deeply. I have read criminal court transcripts detailing crimes committed by deranged people. I have seen pictures people have taken of themselves performing violent acts on others. One in particular was a picture of a man who had beaten a woman terribly. She was crying, she was bleeding from her nose, one of her eyes was purple and swollen closed, her face and body were covered in black bruises. The picture showed a man pinning the woman in a painful and contorted position while he sexually assaulted her, smiling and enjoying himself. I am scarred by those images of pure evil. I fancy myself a pretty tough guy but I can only take so much of that type of thing. Because of what I allowed myself to read and see, I have become suspicious, doubting and distrustful. I tend to look for a monster behind every face and a harmful motive hidden in every word. I am a man living in a violent and evil world. I should perhaps be a little less surprised by the things people do to each other, ungodly, hateful, evil.

I was sitting in the bathroom after watching the disgusting video I was talking about earlier. I began to think about other things I had seen, and heard. I became very angry and I started to talk to God about it. Yes, right there on the toilet. I started to ask God to help the people in the video who were obviously disturbed. I began to think of the man hurting the woman and became so angry that I asked God, not to help the man or even to help the poor woman. I wanted God to damn that man to hell and make him suffer forever for what he did. I wanted to hear him scream in pain for the pain he inflicted on another human being. I wanted to smell his flesh burn. I wanted. . .

Gently, softly, whispering, God asked me to forgive this man whom I didn't know. God asked me to have mercy on this person whom I have never met. I was. . .argumentative. He asked me if there was any chance that I might be able to pray for the man. Part of me could see how I might be able to pray for the evil man, after all I have no idea how long ago the act had been committed. I didn't know the man or the poor woman he victimized. I came to my conclusion and prayed, "Yes God, I think I can, I can try."