On the Toilet

Have you ever heard the term ". . . like sic-um to a bull dog?" It means you were warned but just couldn't resist. For instance, a friend of mine told me about a video on the internet that was absolutely disgusting and literally made people sick to their stomachs. He told me where to find this video with the disclaimer, "Don't watch it man. It is just too disgusting!" That was him telling sick-em to a bulldog. When someone tells me not to or warns me about something, it makes me want it all the more. This is my particular genius. Of course, I couldn't wait to watch it, and I did. Yes I became sick. Yes I regret watching it. I felt like someone had physically assaulted me. Not because of how gross the video was but because all I could think of was how wounded the people in the video are. What they were doing in the video was indescribable and no sane, healthy individual could have performed those acts. I believe the people in the video were, insane or possessed by something evil and forced. That is what I honestly believe.

I have seen and read other things that hurt me even more deeply. I have read criminal court transcripts detailing crimes committed by deranged people. I have seen pictures people have taken of themselves performing violent acts on others. One in particular was a picture of a man who had beaten a woman terribly. She was crying, she was bleeding from her nose, one of her eyes was purple and swollen closed, her face and body were covered in black bruises. The picture showed a man pinning the woman in a painful and contorted position while he sexually assaulted her, smiling and enjoying himself. I am scarred by those images of pure evil. I fancy myself a pretty tough guy but I can only take so much of that type of thing. Because of what I allowed myself to read and see, I have become suspicious, doubting and distrustful. I tend to look for a monster behind every face and a harmful motive hidden in every word. I am a man living in a violent and evil world. I should perhaps be a little less surprised by the things people do to each other, ungodly, hateful, evil.

I was sitting in the bathroom after watching the disgusting video I was talking about earlier. I began to think about other things I had seen, and heard. I became very angry and I started to talk to God about it. Yes, right there on the toilet. I started to ask God to help the people in the video who were obviously disturbed. I began to think of the man hurting the woman and became so angry that I asked God, not to help the man or even to help the poor woman. I wanted God to damn that man to hell and make him suffer forever for what he did. I wanted to hear him scream in pain for the pain he inflicted on another human being. I wanted to smell his flesh burn. I wanted. . .

Gently, softly, whispering, God asked me to forgive this man whom I didn't know. God asked me to have mercy on this person whom I have never met. I was. . .argumentative. He asked me if there was any chance that I might be able to pray for the man. Part of me could see how I might be able to pray for the evil man, after all I have no idea how long ago the act had been committed. I didn't know the man or the poor woman he victimized. I came to my conclusion and prayed, "Yes God, I think I can, I can try."

Giving Up

I struggle with my religion. I struggle with right and wrong. I struggle to see clearly when every broadcast, ad, politician and teacher is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I become confused sometimes and loose my way. Below is a conversation I had with God put to verse. I call it. . .

Giving Up

I have a closeness to you Lord but not in every way.
There are things that I withhold, that plague me still today.
I don’t know why my heart strains itself to keep
the sin and darkness that runs within so deep.
I don’t really want them but they seem to define
the person that I really am; my soul, my mind.
When you call I look up and see everything I need.
From the holes in your hands every blessing bleeds . . .

In My presence is freedom from sin.
In My presence is the strength to win.
In My presence you can be yourself.
In My presence you will find true wealth.
In My presence is Love and light.
In My presence you will win the fight.

But Lord! Weakness marks the man that I am.
Lack of vision and will, do what no sin can.
I have not because I ask not, I should blame no other.
Yet I criticize, condemn and hate my brother.

In My presence is the fire to cleanse.
Only My blood can make amends.
So give up those things that hurt you so
They belong to me now, you should know.
Our covenant is clearly written.
For your sake I was smitten.
All of your burdens belong to Me.
I love you enough to set you free.
So give up, give up, give up I say,
those things that bind you everyday.
The life I planned for you is glorious,
so take this crown and live victorious!

Change I must and change I shall
But change O’Lord, please show me how!
How do I loose my inner grip,
and from hearts fingers let weakness slip?
How my Lord and what should I do,
when I really don’t know how to follow you?

I left a trail in the sand for you to follow;
a spot of blood in every hollow.
Within my footfalls
my passion calls
and every step will show you.
How to wear my cloak, put on my yoke and spread our Father’s virtue

I give up!
I believe!
I beseech and I receive.
It’s just that easy now I see
Because your blood has set me free
Though I break and though I fall
And though I’m capable of nothing at all
Your grace is perfect and complete
My only job is to be like you, and walk on wounded feet.

Copyright 2007, Russell Johnson, All rights reserved.